Recipe for Mindful Masturbation

So, what the hell is Mindful Masturbation, anyway?
Let me back up just a smidgeon.  Masturbation.  Why do it?  Lots of reasons:  It feels good, relieves stress, boosts immune system, help you sleep better, releases necessary chemicals and hormones in your body to help you feel grounded, centered, and connected to other people and the planet.  Also, sex and masturbation is a self-fulling cycle.  The more sex you have, the more sex you want.  The more orgasms and self-pleasuring you do, the more those hormones are released and the more confident, courageous, artistic, creative, and adventurous you’ll feel.I believe all of our relationships are influenced by the core connection we have with ourselves.  If we want to have incredible sex with other people, then we’ve got to play with ourselves to know what we want and how our body functions and responds to erotic stimuli.

When I’m coaching my clients, I recommend to everyone to do some intentional solo sex experimentation.  Here’s how it can go.  Part of this practice is giving yourself the opportunity to be with yourself sexually without the pressure to ejaculate or orgasm.  Success here, isn’t about the climax, its about the process.

  1. Make two solo sex dates over the next week.  Put it on your calendar!
  2. Create your space by gathering your materials (lotion, lube, images, music, etc).  SET a TIMER and give yourself that whole amount of time.  Choose an amount of time that is realistic to you, whether its 15 minutes or an hour and 15 minutes.
  3. Choose how you will begin:  dance, stretch, look at sexual images, read erotica, etc.  Take a few breaths to get centered and go with the flow.  Do what feels good, what pushes your edges, or something new.
  4. Let yourself use the whole time.  At the end, when the timer goes off, write about your experience based on these prompts below to help guide your thoughts.

In Sexological Bodywork, we look at our solo sex practice through the lens of Practice, States, and Distractions.  This framework can be incredibly helpful for you to track whats going on inside you.  The idea here is just to record what is happening without judging yourself for it.  So much of what happens in sex that shuts us down occurs so fast that we have a hard time deciphering the pieces.  This is an exercise of tracking your erotic process in order to make sense of what is going on so you can choose whether you want to keep repeating those same stories or activities.

PRACTICEReport specific acts.  Consider body position, motion, movement, touch, activity.
(Things you might track here are about specific activities:  laying on the bed, placing the vibrator on clit, stroking cock with non-dominant hand, standing in front of mirror to see whole body, etc)

STATES:   What did you feel in your body?  Report texture, flavor, smells, temperature, sensations, emotions.
(Some of the states might correlate directly with the practice:  I felt hot and sweaty after during the dancing.  I could smell the musk of my crotch when I spread my legs and touched my vulva.  I felt angry when I stood in the mirror looking at my whole body.)

DISTRACTIONSName your distractions.  What happened in your environment or your mind that brought you out of your body experience and into your head?  What kinds of stories appeared that lead you into guilt, shame, or fear?
(The phone rang, the dogs were barking in the next room, or I thought about my mother and her talking down to me about my body.)

NEXT TIMEWhat do you want to do next time?  What might you want to be different from this time?  What do you want to experiment with?
(Anal play with clitoral stimulation, stroking cock with non-dominant hand, turning off the porn after 5 minutes, getting on my hands and knees, make a soundtrack)

REFLECTION:  Spend just a few minutes reflecting on your whole experience and anything that stands out to you about what you’ve written above. Notice the distinction between the space above for the RAW DATA of your experience and this space for any thoughts or considerations that arise as a result of acknowledging the different pieces of your experience.

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