My day was full yesterday, and I was feeling a bit underwhelmed about the idea of self loving. Remember? I said in the beginning that intentional self loving everyday would be a challenge. Laying in bed, I just wanted to spend my last 20 or so minutes before falling into deep sleep with some gentle soothing touch.
I began my genital massage tracing the boney landmarks of my pelvis from the Iliac crest (the highest part of the wing of your pelvis on each side of your torso) down to the pubic bone (the bone under your mound of hair). I felt down between my legs along the pubic arch, down the inferior pubic ramus to reach the ischial tuberosity (the sitz bones). Sliding my hands under my back, I could feel the boney landscape of my sacrum and tailbone (coccyx).
(ps. Anatomical and botanical identifications are so hot!)
With my palm flat on my pubic mound with fingers dropped over my vulva, I began moving all the superficial and deeper flesh around in circles, gently stimulating the deep shaft of the clitoris and the round ligaments. I pulled at the hairs on my mound and played with the stubble on my labia. I also massaged my adductors and quads and all the various insertion points for their attached ligaments. This proved to be a very soothing and lovely warm up. I felt comfortable and easy.
After about 10 minutes or so, I decided that I would use my vibrator to give my clit quick little bursts of excitement. I practiced laying the Magic Wand on my clit and gently squeezing and releasing my PC muscles on my inhale while I relaxed my PC muscles on my exhale and then took the vibe off my body to rest a moment and just feel. After a few rounds of these experiments though I got lazy and just humped my power tool.
Within a few minutes, I had an orgasm. It wasn’t great, though. It was just kinda ho-hum. Nothing too special. Nothing to write home about. The sexual laziness, however, is what is worth writing home (and on the interwebs) about.
Everybody has patterns and habits when it comes to sex, whether that’s solo sex or sex with partners. Not all patterns are terrible and must be changed, but sometimes, in our sexuality, we do habitual things that limit our experience. This is what has happened to me and the Magic Wand.
I’ll be real. I’m addicted to this device. The first time I brought it home, I took it out of the package, and without even taking off my pants, completely dressed and standing in the middle of my bedroom, I rubbed it up against my crotch and came hard! I love this thing. I know that I can have an orgasm with this vibe. Sometimes however, I push myself to orgasm with the intense vibrations when the rest of my body isn’t really warmed up or even engaged.
Last night was just this kind of event. My body was warm, but not hot. My mind was kinda in it, but not really. I remember having a few more distracting thoughts that usual. Here’s an example: “Mmm…I’ve got ice cream in the freezer…oh yeah…I like that feeling…I’ve got to remember to call XYZ about our tea date later this week…oh, right, my pussy is vibrating…did I send that email?” The internal dialogue can go on and on and on. And if my mind was all over the place, I know that my pussy wasn’t hot, bothered, or engorged enough to be played with at such high intensity. This became a rote exercise in holding the drill still. Ugh.
After it was all over, I felt empty, annoyed, and kinda pissed at myself. Why do I do this to myself? Well, that’s a question to be dissected at another date. The point here, is WHAT am I going to do about this?
With sex and ecstasy, thank the gods, shifting a pattern can pretty straight forward. Its all about trying new things, letting your body and mind sink into the sensations, and going with the flow. This is why sexuality education and coaching is so powerful with a Somatic approach. When we get our bodies involved, we are actually affecting ourselves on the cellular level, much deeper and more profound than talking or reading a book will ever touch.
If you’ve seen any of my 60 Days of Self Loving project, you’ve seen that my posts have been expressly about how to take my time with self pleasuring, and a suggestion for all of you to take your time when your sexing it up with yourself or others. You’ll see over the course of this 60 day challenge a variety of solo-sex activities to experiment with and maybe even incorporate into your sex practices.