I’m in it, folks. Two weeks into my 60 Days of Self Loving and I’m feeling the contraction that I tell my clients about regularly. I say something like, “When you make an effort to learn anything, change patterns, and transform yourself, especially fundamentals of your sexuality, you can experience lots of expansion. Feeling phenomenally alive, powerful, and able to do anything! Be aware, in this process, there is always a time of contraction, the same way your chest falls when you exhale. Sometimes it can feel perfectly easy and other times you might feel overwhelmed and ‘not enough.’ Keep returning back to your body, your practice of loving yourself, and remembering the visions you see for yourself.”
I’m there. I’m here. My self loving practice has been moving forward with a little bit more wisdom each day. But the last two days, I haven’t wanted to write about it. I’ve wanted to forget or fudge the promise I made to myself about documenting these lessons, my breakthroughs. So, today, I’m recalling all the times I’ve ever coached someone to keep taking little steps when the big steps seem just too big.
“Just breathe into this moment and let the next moment evolve without pushing it. Your work here isn’t to push yourself to the edge. It’s to push into your edges.”
Everyone has their edges. For some its around having sex with the lights on or letting their partner really look at their genitalia. For some its about being emotionally present during physical intimacy, allowing themself to open their heart to another person. For some people, their edge is to slow down their system and just “be” in their body without needing to attend to another person or fill the empty space.
I feel incredibly confident in my skin and bones, my sex and desire. Where I get tripped up is undermining my own momentum with the kinds of self-isolating stories of “it doesn’t matter…no one is paying attention..am I really even offering anything helpful?” O, yuck! I know this is analogous to other people’s stories that go something like, “I’m not pretty enough…no one will want to date me…it just doesn’t matter.”
What I do know about myself, from my own lived, felt experience, and from lots of feedback from workshop participants to individual clients to friends and lovers is that so much of my sexuality and sex education is based in an explicit and undeniable offering of permission. Permission to make mistakes, to be exactly where you’re at, to fall down, to expand into your bigness, and even to contract.
Today, I’m giving myself and you permission to feel big, small, open, closed, tentative, inspired, scared, nervous, wondering, waiting. Its all part of the dance. So, breathe into that recoiling. Give yourself permission to be gentle, to step into your resilience.