Inside, I feel hurt, betrayed, angry. The partnership I’ve been in for 5 years is at its end. We are transitioning out of partnership, and my my flesh wants to recoil away from my own touch because everything feels so raw. And I know, this is the most crucial of times to stay present and in touch with who I am and where I am.
Laying on my back with one hand on my heart and one hand on my sex, I just breathe and feel my body on the bed, feel my hands on my body, and feel whatever is moving. The last couple of days, what has been present is the voice in my head that says, “Quit. Stop. This is stupid.”
Breathing simply and letting one breath follow the next, I just give myself time to be. No doing or fixing or problem solving. No planning or blaming or lashing out. Just breathing into all those tangled emotions.
With my left hand on my heart, I stroke the length of my vulva with my right hand. Slowly and consciously, keeping the same pace for about 10 minutes. From the bottom frenulum to the top of the clit shaft and up to the mound, over and again.
These slow, methodical strokes bring me to life. Not the kind of life that craves sex, but the kind of life that awakens my emotional body. Instead of burying all my feelings with drugs or food or TV, I’m actually coaxing them to the surface of sensation to release the grief and fear and frustration I feel inside.
Through this 10 minute genital – heart connection time, I’ve been able to shift my own energy and come to some clarity about my desires, my boundaries, my patterns, and my love.