Perseverance has become my word for 2016. And, I realized this week how my own perseverance in purpose derailed the compass of my heart.
I’ve been working hard behind the computer screen, innovating, brainstorming, creating. That means that I’ve worked longer days, taken shorter lunches, not gone out on dates or played in the nightlife this last month.
So, when my friend died last week, I only stopped for a moment to notice. I barely registered the details of her passing in the depths of my heart, even though I knew the facts in my mind.
I suppressed my feelings, my heart, and my ultimate desire to live fully expressed and whole. In fact, I was trying so hard to create space for you, to show you how you, too, can live fully expressed and unashamed in your desires, that I completely missed the moments I veered OFF my own path.
I tried to persevere without all of me present and willing.
I know you know what its like to push aside your heart because there are “more important” things to do.
Whether you tell yourself you can live without love or connection, or you tell yourself that you don’t deserve it, or you resign yourself to believing that what you’ve got now is all that life will give you, I know you know what I’m talking about.
Yet, all those feelings are still there, pushed down, cramped up, jammed in, filling up, waiting for a moment to burst out.
The pressure to “get shit done,” to persevere in the face of anything, that’s when all the emotion came up for me. I didn’t even notice how much effort and energy I was spending, trying so hard to focus, until one of my mentors called me on it.
I stopped everything to let out the buckets of tears. The sobs and wails and the anguish of losing something so precious. I dove in to recognize how important, valuable, and meaningful this person is to me.
You might be wondering, “Eva, where are you going with this? What’s the connection between your grief and my sex?”
My grief and your sexual satisfaction require two very important things to be fully expressed:
>>>> TIME and VULNERABILITY <<<<
The key to satisfaction in sex and relationships isn’t just a compilation of tips or techniques in how to fuck better.
It is all about stepping into your vulnerability. It is acknowledging how valuable and precious and temporal something is to you. That may be your body or your heart or a set of values you live your life by. It may be the fragile expression of the fantasies that raise your heart rate. It may be the moment you claim your mistake, taking responsibility for your behavior and its impact.
Stepping into your vulnerability is giving yourself the time to explore your tender moments of not knowing, not having the answer, of being curious or being careful, of discovering what you want and letting the words fumble their way out of your body, of trying something new or trying the same thing over again for the 1000th time because you allow yourself to know the gravity of your pursuit.
Stepping into vulnerability isn’t a dominant cultural value, so most of us don’t know how to do this. We don’t have the skills to stay in our bodies and in the mushy space of mystery and daring.
Most of us jump out. We pick up our phones, cruise social media, watch internet TV for 6 straight hours, walk away from the awkwardness, look away from what fills our hearts. We say no when we want to say yes. We acquiesce to someone else’s desires when we long to be true to our own. We turn off, shut down, or numb out.
And we put off what we crave for just a little longer, until “just a little longer” becomes a way of life.
The gift my friend gave me was staying. Staying in her moments. Staying in her faith. Staying in her love and magic and vision. Staying in her practice of staying in herself.
These are not tangible goods or commodities we can easily recognize. But these are the tools by which we cultivate the deepest of relationships, the most ecstatic of moments, and the widest open space for the wildness of bliss and infinite possibility.
We cannot develop these tools without creating the time and allowing the vulnerability.
I know, deep down, that you want more ecstasy in your life, more confidence and freedom in your skin, and the kind of connection that lights you up and catapults you forward.
I want to make it so easier for you to make the time to step into your vulnerability. To stay present in your body, your pleasure, and your desire. To say yes to your passion and purpose in this life with more of your truest self shining through. To say YES to cultivating the tools we need for more joy, pleasure, and connection in our lives!