2019 Desire Resolutions

The time of the New Year’s Resolutions. We turn the calendar, say goodbye and hello to a new number with, what can feel like, a fresh start or perspective.

But, what is a resolution?

resolution | ,rezə’looSH(ə)n |


1 a firm decision to do or not to do something: she kept her resolution not to see Anne any more | a New Year’s resolution.

• a formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on by a legislative body, committee, or other formal meeting, typically after taking a vote: the conference passed two resolutions.

2 the quality of being determined or resolute: he handled the last French actions of the war with resolution.

3 the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter: the peaceful resolution of all disputes | a successful resolution to the problem.

• Music the passing of a discord into a concord during the course of changing harmony.

• Medicine the disappearance of inflammation, or of any other symptom or condition.

4 chiefly Chemistry the process of reducing or separating something into its components.

• Physics the replacing of a single force or other vector quantity by two or more jointly equivalent to it.

5 the smallest interval measurable by a scientific (especially optical) instrument; the resolving power.

• the degree of detail visible in a photographic or television image.

6 the conversion of something abstract into another form: the gradual resolution of an uncertain feeling into a named emotion.

resolute | ‘rezə,l(y)oot |


admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering: she was resolute and unswerving.

Nowhere in this list of definitions does it say that a resolution (especially for the New Year) instructs you to make a “new you.”

You are a steadfast survivor, a fighter, a love warrior, a creator, and a seeker.  

You have survived grief, loss, trauma, heartache, and epic failures. 

You do not need replacing.  You don’t need fixing.  You aren’t broken. 

You are not an artifact of the mass produced consumer capitalism.  You are not a scrap to be discarded with the trash.  Don’t throw away yourself for the flip of the calendar page. 

You are the result of hundreds of millions of years of a messy, phenomenal evolutionary journey. You are made from the same molecules as the stars of the universe — burning, churning, and radiating light.

You are magic. 

You have a gift, a laugh, and a heart of hearts unique to you, and absolutely irreplaceable. 

You are stronger and more resilient than you think you are.  You are smarter than you give yourself credit for.  You are more talented, gifted, and wise that you let yourself be known for.

If there is anything to be resolute about this new calendar year, it is to reveal your brilliance.  

A New Years Resolution is NOT a striving for perfection. (Because perfection is an abusive myth.)

Rather, our resolutions ought to be a living love letter to our whole selves where we purposefully commit to honoring our inherent value, to pursuing our desires through bold action, and refining the talents, skills, or habits we need to determine the trajectory of our lives and turn our dreams into reality. 

You can learn something new or create new habits.  You can unlearn any toxic behavior or mindset you desire.  You can design a life you love.  

All you need to do is decide today that you are worth it. 

Most of us are making a resolution or a promise to move our life in the direction of “better,” whatever that means to us in any category of our life. 

More money, more sex, better sex, more exercise, better house or car or job, better relationships, different friends, more social or civic engagement, loving our body, etc. 

Most humans don’t opt for worse.  At least, we don’t try to.  

We choose what we desire, based on our menu of options. 

In fact, we’re wired to always choose the best option on the menu, even if that means binge watching Netflix past our bedtime, avoiding intimacy with our partner, faking an orgasm, “going with the flow,” maxing our credit cards, or staying at home when we want to meet people. 

I’ve been studying desire for a decade now, and I see there are two main ways that folks approach what they want.

#1.  We start from scarcity. 

What I don’t have or what I don’t want anymore of. 

I don’t have a partnership, and I want that.  I don’t have a high paying job, and I want that.  I don’t have any savings, and I need to start that. 


I don’t want a partner that smokes.  I don’t want to hate my body anymore.  I don’t want to keep having relationships with people who aren’t really there for me or aren’t emotionally available.   I don’t want to live in this house anymore. 

And with this mindset, we try to engineer our way out of scarcity using scarcity as our only point of orientation.  We continue to measure our success from the place we don’t want to be anymore, and we wind up boomeranging back to that place we don’t want to be or feeling like we’re not moving as far or as fast as we think we ought to be. 

You see, we can’t create what we want — in sex, love, leadership, or finances — when we’re focused on our lack.  

We can’t create amazing sexual experiences if we’re worried about not having an orgasm or not having an erection.  

We can’t build a business that works for us if we’re focused on whether or not people will like us or our product or our message. 

We can’t nurture a loving relationship if we’re narrowly focused on how our partner is different than us.

We can’t leave a relationship that hurts us if we’re focused on what we’ll lose if we leave. 

If you’re someone who does this, you’d be wise to practice the below:  Naming your Ideal.

#2.  We name our ideal. 

We lay out the best possible experience in any individual category of our life, describing the pinnacle of our desired existence. 

For those of you who have been with me for a while, you know that I love doing this.  I love to name what I really, really want.  And you know that I always ask you what you really, really want.  This is a valuable exercise. 

When we name our ideal life, we start to paint a picture of where we want to go, what we want to do, how we want to spend our energy, and what is important to us. 

The place where most of us trip and fall in this practice of naming our ideal is that we aren’t connected to our why or what for.

Why do we want something to be different?  Why do we want to make this promise?  What do you want a new car for?  What do you want that orgasm for? Why do you want an erection?

These questions may sound rudimentary or even rhetorical, but inside this investigation of your why and what for is understanding your motivation, which reflects your values and beliefs. 

And what we believe about who we are or who we can be in the world shapes our success or failure in all of the resolutions and promises we make each year at the turn of the calendar or our turn around the sun.

Regardless of whether we want to learn a new skill, deepen our proficiency in our talent, or unlearn toxic behaviors, we need support to do it and structure to maintain our momentum. Support and structure doesn’t have to be cookie-cutter or institutional, but it does need to be reliable and dynamic, whether you’re creating it on your own, embedded in a community of folks striving together, or working one on one with someone you trust.

I want to walk you through the building blocks of achievable desires so you can create what you want — in sex, love, money, or any other part of life — in this year and beyond.

Join me for this free class on Saturday, January 5th (the first new moon of the new year) to organize your desires, set your intentions, and take serious action.

2019 Desire Resolutions:
How to Transform Your Fantasies into Reality.

Just click on the title of the workshop for more information, and I’ll see you there.

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